Who are you, really? What are you responsible for, in any situation?
Some people are unable to voluntarily move, except for their eyelids, by
which they can communicate -- or some, not even that. What are they
responsible for? Who are they? The connection there is "who you are
is what you choose". Maybe that's an overly simplistic view of human
nature, but I think it at least captures something important, and I
tend to want to favor it.
We face limitations due to aging -- we may all face that, either
now, or, if we survive, in our future. There are other limitations
besides that, which occur with less universality. Are we defined by
our limitations? It depends on what we mean by "we". I would say
that the paralyzed person is not defined by their paralysis. If
they were put in a different body somehow, they would physically act
out their personality. The body is accidental, not essential. I can't
hold a paralyzed person responsible for not moving -- maybe partially
so if they knowingly chose to paralyze themself (a rare occurrence), but
even then, they would no longer be able to change their minds after the
fact, and would have to live with the decision of their past self, who
increasingly would be becoming to them a separate person. Likewise, I
can't hold myself 100% responsible for the body or life that I'm stuck
with. To an extent, it's not me. Essentially, it's something stuck to
me, and to a large extent, other things than my choices are responsible
for it.
However, it is more true that the way that I approach life
emotionally, with my inner eye, and with my inner will, and
the way I choose to think, does express who I am. If I were completely
paralyzed, but still myself and still conscious, how I thought about
life, and paralysis, would be me, would be an exercise and expression
of me being myself. The state of my heart in the present moment is a
root responsibility that I am always capable of disposing of properly.
So in this space of minimal limitation, in the world of what
I choose to think and how I choose to see, I can express and exercise
my heart (the true preferences and intentions within me) by having
courage. To approach whatever there is, and whatever limits me, without
flippancy, arrogance, impatience, or despair, but rather with
courage.
--
Forces like depression and anxiety can seem to be me, and I can
feel, in despair, that they are more powerful than me, that I must
bow to them. In a sense, perhaps I must. If I must bow to them,
how can there be a God? My mind can shut down to the spiritual
and intellectual world if I identify so totally with my limitations.
I can live in a narrow world, made up of practical concerns and
the desire for the luck or therapy for me to not be beset by my
psychological problems. If I am so limited, in a world where the
only relevant thing is my narrow well-being, and God is not
admitted as a person who can address that narrow well-being, of
course for me God does not exist. I might say that he exists, or
halfway believe it, but on the level of trusting, I do not believe
that he exists.
In some way, the sense that I am not myself in the face of mental
forces connects with my inability to say "God exists". Perhaps because
in order for me to believe in the existence of God, I need to believe
in the existence of myself. Myself, a free-willed being, who sees
things according to his own lights, and thus is able to see the intellectual
and spiritual world, things which are true in themselves, apart from
what is forced on me, things which I must find
unbearable or attractive in the
pragmatic, personal, social, psychological world.
In a natural theology like simantism, it
is important that I exist, a person, and that I can relate to
what is not-me. From this, there is relationality, and I am not alone.
From this, and for other reasons, if I am a person, then the universe
can be personal. There is a give-and-take between me and what is not-me
that suggests that what is not-me is a person. There is an analogy
between myself, who is conscious, and what is not-me, which then might
ought to be seen as conscious. If I, a consciousness, choose and cause,
then what I experience might ought to also be chosen and caused by a
conscious person. For these reasons, I might think that I live in
relationality to all that is, and that all that is is a person. But
if I am not a person, then maybe it is not.
If I exist, on some level, I am awake, in a way that I am not when
I somehow think that I don't exist.
Perhaps too, if I slip below the waves into non-existence, I can
no longer relate to God, can no longer really be a moral person or
an obedient person, for not being able to be myself, choosing. I
can still go through the motions of life -- who wouldn't? I can
flow away from unbearability and toward what is attractive,
automatically and inevitably. But on a deeper level, I can't
relate to God, and on a deeper level, what we can't or don't
relate to, doesn't exist to us.
But as long as I can recognize facts, I
recognize the fact that I exist.
--
You have real limitations, but if you can remember, you always
exist. And then there is always some level on which you can be
courageous, given whatever limitations you have.